Locked up inside

I'm locked up inside myself. These demons are fighting an unequal battle, and they're winning the fight. Every day, I feel worse because of them. Every day they conquer a new part of my brain. It's a struggle, yes, a struggle on life and death. 
 

A lot has happened this week, so much that it could have been the case that I wouldn't have been able to write these words. I ran away from the closed ward - I got an open  chance - and the demons gave me the boost I needed to run away so that they (the nurses) couldn't stop me this time. I succeeded, but once I was downstairs, in the parking garage, every tinge of boost was gone. So I got these images: me going to the parking garage of the academic hospital, me going to the elevators, me pushing the button of the 13th floor, me climbing over the barrier and me jumping. Dot. So, I was completely overtaken by the demons, because I felt so weak, I could barely walk, I crossed the streets without watching if any car passed by... and I went to the parking garage, to the elevators, pushed that infamous button, and there I stood. Nobody had followed me, which was good. I could think things over clearly. Or so I thougth, because my mind was troubled by the demons. So I saw that there were two barriers. I climbed over the first one, which was quite an easy task, but the second one was higher, too high, so it seemed. I could hardly lift one leg over the glass, and I saw people downstairs, staring, pointing, yelling "hey", but I was in a dissociative mood. I could hear and see everything, but it didn't really get to me, and I obviously couldn't respond. So I tried hard to put my leg over the barrier. Only thing is, I'm short, and this barrier isn't made for short people. 

Then the most horrible things happened: three men came and they pulled me back, pinned me down on the floor, asked me lots of questions I couldn't answer because I was still dissociating and said I should keep calm, that help was on the way. Help? Yeah right, police officers. They cuffed me, hands behind my back, I was lying on my belly on the ground. One sympathetic police officer introduced himself as being Nico and told me to keep calm, so that he shouldn't have to hurt me. I was frustrated, angry and especially, very scared. All those police officers... Then there came a car, and I had to get in. They would bring me back to the clinic. I struggled with the police officer in the car, without any result. We got there - at the clinic - and immediately I was stripped of my clothes and put in the isolation cell. For the fifth time in four weeks. I still feel the cuffs on my wrists, it still hurts. Bastards!

So, that was... when again? Oh, my short time memory is fading away so fast. Must be the pills. Anyway, today the demons did their job again. They led me to the door, I was completely numb. One of the nurses led me back to my room. And then trouble began. I was far, far away. I could hear what the nurses - and later on the doctors - said, but I couldn't react. All because of - indeed - the demons. I couldn't say anything, nor amost move a muscle. I couldn't open my mouth to take pills. I couldn't communicate while there were so many things I needed to say. I could only squeeze the nurses's hand: once for yes, twice for no. But that didn't always work out, because sometimes I didn't know, so I didn't squeeze, but he didn't get the message.

As I'm writing this, I'm still fighting to stay into reality, the here and now. It's so difficult. The demons are trying to take over all the time, and I'm fighting, but I think the nurses think I don't fight hard enough. Still, I try to do what I can, although it's only writing. The fact that they don't want to read this, is their f*cking problem.