Now you have to know that I'm not very keen on living anymore. I know, there will be times when it will be better again. I know this because I've been there where I am right now and eventually I ended up happier than before. I've been that depressed, I've had these periods in which I've heard voices, but usually not depression and psychosis together. And although I've been there and although every time I didn't drown but could bring my head back above the water, it's getting tiresome. I just can't anymore. I don't want to anymore. I've had enough of it. After a period of hell, a better period rises up. But that's not enough for me anymore. I want the guarantee that this was the last time. And since no one can give me that guarantee, I want to quit, I want to stop, I've had enough of it.
I've read the Hippocratic oath, just to know what's in it. And I cant guarantee you, there's nothing in it about keeping people against their will in a hospital when they want to kill themselves. There is something in it that you cannot help them to die, but they don't have to push me off the 13th floor or put those pills in my mouth. So what the f*ck? It's all nonsense! I will confront my psychiatrist with it the next time I see him.
Let me ask you, people, have you ever thought about what will happen when you die? Because it can happen at any given moment. A bus could override you. A plan could crash. You could get cancer or have a heart attack. So now let me think about what I want after my death. First of all, I want to have a service both in Leiden and in Beveren-Leie, so that friends as well as family have the opportunity to say goodbye. I want pastor Micha van Vliet to do the services in both places. I want to be cremated and be put in a special grave for urns at Beveren-Leie's cemetry. I absolutely don't want to have a catholic service, no way! That would be absolutely disgraceful. I'm not a catholic anymore, I'm a member of the evangelist church and as such I want to be buried.
I want Timo to have a bright future at my aunt Mieke's place. There he'll have the time of his life with his cousin Tweety. I want that my books, CDs and DVDs are divided between my friends Gi, Lars, Alain, Femke, Marlies, Marcela, my cousin Vicky, my English teacher Randy and maybe some others I forget to mention here. I want that my parents decide what will happen with the furniture. The study books should all go to my students: Wil, Alice, Iolanda and maybe some others.
I want to be buried - and thus burned to ashes - with Lotje, my teddybear. She has been the most loyal and truthful teddybear I've ever had, she has accompanied me in isolation cells and she has comforted me in very difficult circumstances.
I only have one wish, namely that my book be published. Even though it's not that good, it's my legacy. I want to write a second book, a sequel, so maybe when I'll be dead, that one will also be ready. Because, dear people, it's not said that I'll kill myself immediately. Hell, I can also be overridden by a bus tomorrow. But then it's clear at least. These are questions we have to think about, no matter how young you are, from your 16th birthday on. At least, that is my humble opinion. Now people will know what to do when I die. Yes, I'm suicidal, but that doesn't mean I'll do it right here, right now. I'm usually a woman who thinks things through, as you may know. It's just... I feel so lonely in my battle. There really are people who help me, people who seem to care about me, but I can't estimate if that's enough, if you know what I mean...
Things are devastating me. As I had a small relapse this afternoon, I had to spend an hour in the isolation cell and I'll have to spend the night there once again. If this tiny problem hadn't ocurred, I could have slept in my own bed, well, in my room at the closed ward, I mean... The same counts for the days yet to come. If something goes wrong and I go voluntarily, then I'll have to spend the nights there, but if I don't go voluntarily, things are even worse. Then we're back to zero. I don't know how or when this will end...
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