I'm hearing this sentence over and over again, every single day of every single week. It all started a couple of weeks ago, a little bit over a month ago I guess, that I noticed I could hardly speak normally. A lot of saliva came free while speaking and I couldn't articulate well anymore. Right now, when I speak, it is as if I'm drunk, which, of course, I'm not, with the amount of pills I'm taking. And look what I'm talking about, the meds. There lies the origin of the problem. It are the meds that make me talk as if I'm drunk and that make me stammer.
It's almost three months since I've been here, at this closed ward of a psychiatric hospital and one thing is for sure: when I came here, I didn't have these speaking and articulating issues. Sometimes, the saliva leaves my mouth even while I'm awake and without speaking, because it's mostly during the night that I have these problems or when I take a nap during the day. When I wake up, my pillow is almost entirely wet where my head has laid all night. However, during the day, in plain sight, I feel really embarassed and ashamed. As if I were a toddler learning how to speak properly concerning the way of speaking or an old drunk in the way of articulating. It hurts my feelings and my self-esteem. When I'm in a shop, they don't understand me and have to ask at least two times what it is I want. I see the impatience in their eyes, I see their boredom. They don't know how to handle someone who speaks like this. They've probably condemned me to the ranks of scum anyway.
It's just, I can't do anything that I can help to diminish the side-effects. Sometimes, it's just as if the side-effects are more prominent than the positive effects. So what should I do: keep taking the freaking meds or quit with it all?
Anyway, I'm still here against my will. The finishing date of my RM (judicial authorization) is approaching, but the psychiatrist has asked for a re-evaluation. The second opinion of an objective psychiatrist obtained the same result: affirmative. However, it's the judge who decides. If I can convince him/her that it's not necessary for me to be in this hospital, then I can go home. However, it will be tough, because I'm not so strong verbally and not in the least because a lot has happened. Maybe I can write him/her a letter, just like I did the last time which gave me a better verdict than I'd ever'd hoped for: only 4 months instead of 6.
Still, we don't know when the judge will come, only one day before the meeting will we know. I'm nervous already, although it can be tomorrow so to speak, but it can also be between now and three weeks. Also, the length of the RM can vary between 6 months and a year, but the fact that I've been in and out of psychiatric hospitals and because they - psychiatrist, psychologists and the rest of the staff - see some progress, seem to turn out negative for me. I'm afraid I'll get that extra time on the inside.
It hurts to be so lonely, so far away from friens and - especially - family. The problem with an RM is that you're in principle not allowed to travel abroad. And if they're very severe, travelling from the Netherlands to Belgium would be a crime. Just hoping not to get caught when I'm on the train, because on top of all that, my ID has expired. Still a lot to do before I'm able to go to Belgium alone by train, though... wish me luck!
Tonight is Christmas Eve, normally one of my favourite evenings of the year. However, things are a bit complicated, it turns out. This is the second year in a row I'll have to spend Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve at the closed ward of a psychiatric hospital. No, don't pity me, just think about all of us, for I'm not alone. There are dozens of people who will have to spend Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve on their own or at least far from family and friends, without wanting this.
Look, things got out of hand in August, and now I still feel punished for what happened then. No sis, I didn't choose my illness, nor is it true that I'm not working hard. I even got another compliment from the team in terms of collaboration. They say I'm doing a good job, and that they already see progress, although I've only been here for about two months now.
But let's return to Christmas Eve. When I was a child, even a teenager, we used to celebrate it in family: mom, dad, sister, her boyfriend and me. My mom is a good cook, and thus the food was delicious, there were presents under a beautifully decorated Christmas tree and at midnight, we went to church. Not because we were that catholic, but because of the exclusive atmosphere it created. On Christmas day itself, we visited grandma and granddad from my mom's side, and in the afternoon my grandmother from my dad's side. Unfortunately, that last one died four years ago, but in fact, even then Christmas wasn't really the celebration it was when I was younger, I think because of the fact that my nieces were there and got most of the attention. Don't understand me wrong, I love them and I enjoyed buying them their presents, but my sister and brother-in-law turned hostile towards me, I couldn't play with the kids anymore and stuff like that. So the coziness was gone.
What's left now? Nothing anymore, I'm afraid. Tonight, we'll get our food like every night at the closed ward, everybody will do what she wants, some will watch television, others will play a card game I still don't understand. Also, in the Netherlands they don't dedicate much attention to Christmas Eve, more to Christmas itself, and the day after, thus December 25th and 26th. I remember well that last year, on Christmas Eve and on December 25th and 26th I was in the isolation cell. I wished myself a merry little X-mas. What else could I do? I hope this year I can safely stay on the ward and not in the isolation cell, but you never know. I'm unpredictable because of my emotions. I have an emotion regulation problem. I just can't predict what I will feel within an hour from now.
Right now, while writing these last words of my post, most of you will be celebrating with their friends and/or family. I want to wish you a a merry little X-mas, but I also want to dedicate some space here for the homeless, for people who are ill, be it physically or mentally, and have to stay in the hospital. Keep them in your thoughts... Also, think about the fact that many people are working: nurses, waiters, bus drivers... Don't forget about them either...
PS: You won't believe it, but I'm listening to a Belgian radio station, and which song are they playing right now? "Have yourself a merry litte Christmas" by Sam Smith. This can't be a coincidence, because I started this post hours ago and invented the title at that point. God, you do exist, don't you?
My loneliness is feeling so lonely since I've decided to leave it alone for a while. Or at least, since I'm trying to do serious efforts to do so. I'm sick of it! It's been enough! Loneliness has been dominating me for the past few months (or maybe even years), and I've even started to feel things from my early childhood, where I also felt lonely in some situations. It's a topic I've been discussing with my psychologist, and loneliness has left a big gap in my heart. Loneliness because friends have left me, loneliness beacause some family members - who won't even take the time to read this - have disappointed me in their absence in the most difficult moments in my life.
At the clinic where I'm residing at the moment, I've felt very lonely in difficult times, even though I know I can count on some friends that I could call and on the nurses. Still, it's not the same. My loneliness comes forth from the lack of my family's support. Yes, there are exceptions - you know who you are :) - but it's kind of limited support.
Still, I've decided to send away my loneliness in order for it to feel lonely for once. I'm asking myself if exposure to loneliness would change the characteristics of loneliness. Would it become more vulnerable? Would it become softer? Woud it understand people with loneliness better? I'm afraid not. In any case, plans are to ban loneliness out of my life. Problem solved, you'd think, but how to get rid of this nagging feeling of loneliness?
It's easier said than done, that much is true. However, it would be great if loneliness could feel lonely for once. Then it would experience what people like me have to go through, how big the pain is that we feel, how uncertain the situation is in which we find ourselves. But no, mister Loneliness always wins, always survives, and that is just not fair!
So, what can we do to make mister Loneliness feel more lonely? Dedicate less attention to it? Yes, but how? Because loneliness is a feeling that won't retreat. It's there. Dot.
In any case, loneliness is spoiling my life. Even here at the clinic in the Hague, where I have several fellow patients, I feel so f*cking lonely. And I know that I could choose to be more amongst them, but I just don't dare take the risk. I'm afraid they won't appreciate my company. And yes, that's tough to conclude, but it is like it is.
Actually, when I look back at all those years that have passed by (my teens included), loneliness may have been my best friend, just because it feels safe to be alone and lonely. No one to bother you, no one to ask you difficult questions. Just me and my loneliness. However, the time has come to break through the pattern, however difficult that may be. I have to learn to be able to a) cope with loneliness and/or b) get rid of the loneliness. I don't know which one is het easiest one. Definitely, both options are difficult, but I'll have to choose.It's time I let loneliness feel what loneliness really is. Don't you think so?
