Have yourself a merry little X-mas

Tonight is Christmas Eve, normally one of my favourite evenings of the year. However, things are a bit complicated, it turns out. This is the second year in a row I'll have to spend Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve at the closed ward of a psychiatric hospital. No, don't pity me, just think about all of us, for I'm not alone. There are dozens of people who will have to spend Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve on their own or at least far from family and friends, without wanting this. 

Look, things got out of hand in August, and now I still feel punished for what happened then. No sis, I didn't choose my illness, nor is it true that I'm not working hard. I even got another compliment from the team in terms of collaboration. They say I'm doing a good job, and that they already see progress, although I've only been here for about two months now. 

But let's return to Christmas Eve. When I was a child, even a teenager, we used to celebrate it in family: mom, dad, sister, her boyfriend and me. My mom is a good cook, and thus the food was delicious, there were presents under a beautifully decorated Christmas tree and at midnight, we went to church. Not because we were that catholic, but because of the exclusive atmosphere it created. On Christmas day itself, we visited grandma and granddad from my mom's side, and in the afternoon my grandmother from my dad's side. Unfortunately, that last one died four years ago, but in fact, even then Christmas wasn't really the celebration it was when I was younger, I think because of the fact that my nieces were there and got most of the attention. Don't understand me wrong, I love them and I enjoyed buying them their presents, but my sister and brother-in-law turned hostile towards me, I couldn't play with the kids anymore and stuff like that. So the coziness was gone. 

What's left now? Nothing anymore, I'm afraid. Tonight, we'll get our food like every night at the closed ward, everybody will do what she wants, some will watch television, others will play a card game I still don't understand. Also, in the Netherlands they don't dedicate much attention to Christmas Eve, more to Christmas itself, and the day after, thus December 25th and 26th. I remember well that last year, on Christmas Eve and on December 25th and 26th I was in the isolation cell. I wished myself a merry little X-mas. What else could I do? I hope this year I can safely stay on the ward and not in the isolation cell, but you never know. I'm unpredictable because of my emotions. I have an emotion regulation problem. I just can't predict what I will feel within an hour from now. 

Right now, while writing these last words of my post, most of you will be celebrating with their friends and/or family. I want to wish you a a merry little X-mas, but I also want to dedicate some space here for the homeless, for people who are ill, be it physically or mentally, and have to stay in the hospital. Keep them in your thoughts... Also, think about the fact that many people are working: nurses, waiters, bus drivers... Don't forget about them either...

PS: You won't believe it, but I'm listening to a Belgian radio station, and which song are they playing right now? "Have yourself a merry litte Christmas" by Sam Smith. This can't be a coincidence, because I started this post hours ago and invented the title at that point. God, you do exist, don't you?