In the depths of loneliness

It's almost that time of the year, that time when you and your family and/or friends are going to celebrate X-mas and New Year's Eve. I used to enjoy those festivities, but this is the second year in a row that I'll have to spend the festivities at a closed ward of a psychiatric clinic. I think you and I can imagine better places to spend those days...

To live at 235 km from your family always brings along some kind of loneliness, but to spend the Christmas Holidays this far from home is even worse. Especially because it's not that I don't want to, but because I can't, I have no permission. The judge has decided that I should stay at a closed ward, at least until February 6th. Then my RM ("Rechterlijke Machtiging", Judicial Jurisdiction) is over. However, there's always the risk that the psychiatrist asks for a prolongation, and then there's nothing I can do if the judge thinks I'm still dangerous for myself or for others. That sounds horrible, doesn't it? But that's what's in the official paperwork.

Last year when I was admitted at the Leiden clinic, I was all alone in the isolation cell with X-mas. That was lonely indeed, but although I was on the ward in my room at the point that 2014 started, I felt even lonelier, even though there were people around me: some fellow patients and the nurses. 

I feel this loneliness creeping up my body. This year once again, I'll have to celebrate X-mas and New Year's eve alone. Okay, there will be fellow patients and nurses, but that's not the same. I wanted to be with my family, for Christ's sake! I miss my grandparents. I miss my nieces and I miss my parents a lot. Except for my parents, I haven't seen them since August 16th. That makes it exactly four months today. How time flies... And of course I miss my little birdie, Timo... I know someone takes really good care of him, but that's not the same. I miss him fervently...

This weekend, these friends of mine visited me and brought me my own mini-X-mas tree. It's beautiful, it even has lights. That made me happy, although it's still difficult to think that I will once again have to spend those X-mas holidays at the closed ward of a psychiatric clinic... 

I hope we'll have a white X-mas. That would be fun,, because I'm allowed to go outside twice a day for 15 minutes, with a nurse that is. Sometimes everything goes well, but not always. And that's a pity, because it closes the doors to individual privileges.  But a white X-mas would give that extra vibe, you know...

Never before have I felt so lonely. Honestly, even last year was less lonely. Maybe because I was at a clinic where they already knew me better. Now I'm in a different city, in a different hospital, with different nurses and doctors. I NEED A HUG!