Lonely loneliness

My loneliness is feeling so lonely since I've decided to leave it alone for a while. Or at least, since I'm trying to do serious efforts to do so. I'm sick of it! It's been enough! Loneliness has been dominating me for the past few months (or maybe even years), and I've even started to feel things from my early childhood, where I also felt lonely in some situations. It's a topic I've been discussing with my psychologist, and loneliness has left a big gap in my heart. Loneliness because friends have left me, loneliness beacause some family members - who won't even take the time to read this - have disappointed me in their absence in the most difficult moments in my life.

At the clinic where I'm residing at the moment, I've felt very lonely in difficult times, even though I know I can count on some friends that I could call and on the nurses. Still, it's not the same. My loneliness comes forth from the lack of my family's support. Yes, there are exceptions - you know who you are :) - but it's kind of limited support. 

 
Still, I've decided to send away my loneliness in order for it to feel lonely for once. I'm asking myself if exposure to loneliness would change the characteristics of loneliness. Would it become more vulnerable? Would it become softer? Woud it understand people with loneliness better? I'm afraid not. In any case, plans are to ban loneliness out of my life. Problem solved, you'd think, but how to get rid of this nagging feeling of loneliness? 

It's easier said than done, that much is true. However, it would be great if loneliness could feel lonely for once. Then it would experience what people like me have to go through, how big the pain is that we feel, how uncertain the situation is in which we find ourselves. But no, mister Loneliness always wins, always survives, and that is just not fair!

So, what can we do to make mister Loneliness feel more lonely? Dedicate less attention to it? Yes, but how? Because loneliness is a feeling that won't retreat. It's there. Dot. 

In any case, loneliness is spoiling my life. Even here at the clinic in the Hague, where I have several fellow patients, I feel so f*cking lonely. And I know that I could choose to be more amongst them, but I just don't dare take the risk. I'm afraid they won't appreciate my company. And yes, that's tough to conclude, but it is like it is. 

Actually, when I look back at all those years that have passed by (my teens included), loneliness may have been my best friend, just because it feels safe to be alone and lonely. No one to bother you, no one to ask you difficult questions. Just me and my loneliness. However, the time has come to break through the pattern, however difficult that may be. I have to learn to be able to a) cope with loneliness and/or b) get rid of the loneliness. I don't know which one is het easiest one. Definitely, both options are difficult, but I'll have to choose.It's time I let loneliness feel what loneliness really is. Don't you think so?