The naked truth

Have you ever wondered what people who hear voices look like? Do they look confused, with a wild look in their eyes? Do they look unkempt and dishevelled? Well, let me tell you one thing: it doesn't work like that. It could be anyone, even your best friend or one of your neighbours. Hell, do I look confused, unkempt and/or dishevelled? For yes, I am one of those persons that hear voices every once in a while...

It's been a while, but I've had times in my life in which I had to deal with those terrible voices on a daily basis. I can't remember exactly when I heard them for the first time - it must have been about 12 years ago - but I can tell you that I was quite surprised, especially because that voice spoke to me in English, and not in Flemish, as would have been more likely. It's just that I thought that voices used to be something like dreams, and I hardly ever dream in a foreign language. But no, Male - that's his name, incredible though it may seem - spoke to me in English. Initially it was just Male, and he pretended to be my best friend. And I fell for it, because I felt extremely lonely at that moment. I was already in trouble and as far as I can remember I was already undergoing treatment. Read: I was already in that phase in my life in which I'd started cutting myself, and believe me, I couldn't talk about the cutting itself, let alone about that prominent voice I heard. I didn't even try to talk about it initially, because I already knew that there was only a slight possibility that anyone would understand the embarrassing situation I was in...

Eventually, I decided that it'd be better if somebody knew about it, so I told my shrink. She didn't seem to be surprised at all, as if she already knew, but no further attention was dedicated to the subject. Only later, when I went back to the first psychiatric clinic I'd ever visited, did I talk about it again, and this psychiatrist seemed to take me and my problem seriously. But by then the situation had deteriorated a lot. Male was extremely friendly and obliging in the beginning, as in for example helping to pull me through those terrifying moments in which I had to undergo this pain deep inside of me. He told me exactly where and how I had to cut myself, so as not to make things worse. He was there when I needed someone to talk to, because my friends had already let me down and I couldn't fall back on my family for support. However, after a while, he became my worst enemy. I wanted to stop cutting myself, but I just couldn't because of him. He egged me on to do bad things, including hurting other people. Luckily, I've never hurt anyone else but myself, and I'm planning to keep it like that.

And then... what? Back in the clinic, I immediately received an injection because Male was teasing me so badly that the pain was unbearable. I'd discovered that he only wanted one thing: my death, but only after a whole lot of suffering. The injections were a relief, although I felt very weak afterwards. I was drowsy and extremely tired. I couldn't even sit up to eat. The injections weren't the solution, they were only good for an immediate intervention in times of crisis. So I started taking some pills...

 And some more pills...

And some more...

Some of these anti-psychotic meds did what they had to do, i.e. make the voices shut up, but Male never disappeared completely. I could feel his threatening presence, even if he didn't speak to me. And what's even worse, after a while, it was not just Male anymore. First I heard a whole lot of other disturbing voices besides Male, but none of these voices was coherent or told me their name. Only some time later did one of them introduce himself as Moses. While Male seems to be an adult already, running in his thirties or perhaps forties, Moses is still a teenager, and an irritating one, if you ask me. He's always bullying me and getting at me in a rude and disturbing way. It's strange, however, that neither of them seems to age. In the 12 years that have past, they haven't changed. I especially noticed this with Moses who was a teenager 12 years ago and still is that same annoying, horrible, teasing teenager...


Sometimes I had large conversations, especially with Male, but sometimes with the two of them, and in some cases I wrote these conversations as accurately as possible down on my computer. I initially wanted to copy one of these conversations in this blog entry, but I've decided not to do so, because it is in fact quite risky to do so, in the sense that I'm already quite vulnerable by writing about the voices, and I don't think they would approve of me copying one of our conversations into this entry. That's just too personal. 

You may want to know what exactly it was that we were talking about. Well, mostly we tried to reach a compromise. I wanted them to leave me alone, because they were getting at me and they told me I was worthless and stuff like that, and at the same time they wanted to encourage me to do bad things. Male was extremely mad at me because I took the pills I had to take. He begged me in more than one occasion to stop taking them, because they made him ill. Fair enough. But if I didn't take them, I was even more vulnerable to their dominance. So I took them, although they didn't make the voices disappear completely. There were periods in my life in which I stopped taking the pills, because I thought I could handle it alone. Then, however, I came up against the naked truth: the voices were on their way to kill me. They were far more powerful if I didn't take my meds. And even if I took those pills, they still could influence me and my thoughts. 

Luckily, some four years ago, my former psychiatrist wanted to change the medication drastically because I was extremely psychotic: not only did I hear voices but I was constantly aware of the fact that the whole world was keeping an eye on me - mistrust and paranoia, indeed. Anyway, that change in medication turned out to be a huge improvement. Since then I can count the situations in which I've been confronted with Male and Moses on one hand. I have to admit though that I'm quite afraid for repercussions now. They don't like exposure. I wasn't allowed to talk about them with my shrink. Still, I did talk about them, but then I had to accept the fact that they wanted revenge. I don't know what they're going to do now that I write about them on my blog, but I think it's high time that people knew that hearing voices isn't so weird or rare as you might think. Many people have this problem, and again, as with my post about self-harm, I want to get rid of a big taboo. People who hear voices aren't mad or insane. They do have a problem, there's no misunderstanding about that, but if you are lucky to have a good psychiatrist who prescribes you the necessary pills, you can start to live with the fact that you hear voices every once in a while. 

Drawing made in November 2004 with a central role for self-destruction, voices and mistrust.

I'm not a lesser human being because I have this problem of hearing voices. I'm just as human as you are, dear reader, but I think this problem can also serve me well. I think that maybe, I could help people who have the same problem, as a hands-on expert. That's what I hope to achieve in the long term. For now, I want to emphasise that I live quite a normal life with the medication I have to take on a daily basis. However, I'm not always happy with this situation, especially because the pills have a lot of annoying side effects, the most important ones being fatigue and concentration problems. That makes it sometimes hard to study, but if I have to choose between being tired or being psychotic, the choice is not that hard. Still, I know it's going to be much more difficult when I have a job or, as I'm planning to, an internship. However, let's first try to write an MA thesis, and then we'll see... :)


PS: As you probably know, I'm keen on numbers, but I couldn't find any good references when it comes to the amount of people that hear voices in the Netherlands. Worldwide, however, some 4 to 10% of the population are estimated to have the problem of hearing voices, which is quite a lot, I think. I can only suggest one thing to those people who have had this experience: talk about it, although I understand that it's extremely difficult when the voices prohibit this. You're not alone... One song that helps me to work off the stress that goes together with hearing voices is Linkin Park's Papercut. Feel free to look up the lyrics if you want to get the message while listening to this song...