You know, dear reader, I have a lot of patience. I can take a lot of crap. People have to go to great lengths to destroy me. But there's always a moment when too much is really too much. Last week has been a cruel torture for me and my mom. It's a long and probably tedious story, but it comes down to this: My mom and I in particular have been let down and hurt very badly by the only sister I have and that I seemingly can't stop loving, no matter how much she hurt me in the past. However, as I mentioned earlier, too much is just too much and even I have my limits. When people make clear that they don't want my company anymore, that hits me real hard, especially because I never ever had bad intentions towards them - rather the opposite actually - but with the support of other people I can focus on the people that do appreciate my company. However, I can't support the feeling that I'm being used as an excuse to destroy somebody else. Ok, this may sound very cryptic, I do realise that, but I don't want to go into great detail here.
I also realise that these accusations may seem a little bit vague, but I can guarantee you, never before in my life have I felt so rejected by anybody. Never before have I felt so let down and alone. Never before have I been accused of blaming somebody else for all the crap that has happened in my or other people's lives. I take responsibility for my actions. When I make a mistake, I try to make up for it. And especially, when something's bothering me, I at least try to talk about it or to write about it with the people in question. What's happening now is the following: I've been blamed, I've been rejected, I've been accused of a whole lot of crap, and now, from one moment to the other, I just have to forget what has been said and written to me, and start with a clean slate. Just like that. I don't know how it works for you, dear reader, but I can guarantee you that it doesn't work like that for me. I at least need to talk about it, face to face, or if even that's not possible, at least by mail or chat. But no, I don't have that choice or opportunity right now. I'll just have to accept that I shall be broken-hearted forever, without anything or anybody to mend it. Oh, I can give somebody a second chance, I'll happily do that, but not without amendments. I mean, a surgeon won't operate you and make a huge wound without stitching you up afterwards, right?!
As a Christian, I can forgive people, quite easily in fact. But I'm mostly not able to forget what people did to me, good things as well as bad things. I forgave my sister when she talked badly about me last summer. Now, however, she did the same thing once again, and in fact even a little bit worse, accusing me and using fallacies to put me and my entire being in a bad light. But this isn't what bothers me the most, no. What bothers me the most is that suddenly, I receive this text message telling me she wants to start with a clean slate and that she hopes I can do the same. However, I have to get some things off my chest too. She's had her opportunity, she's done it, but I have to shut up just like that and don't make a fuss about it? Really? What's more, first she didn't want me to come with her family and my parents on holidays, as she'd been irritated by my presence last year, and now, she's completely changed her mind and I have to go with them on that holiday, without ever asking me if I still want to. Because, let's be honest, if you're not welcome and you have only the tiniest bit of female intuition, you can predict that this won't be a happy holiday. That's a shift of 180 degrees, for crying out loud!
My heart is broken, especially since this whole situation destroyed my mother and her mother's heart entirely. I won't go into detail - once again, I apologise for that - but she's been on the verge of killing herself a few times this week. And who has to sit and watch from a distance of a rough 250 kilometres, without being able to do anything but listen? Who has to endure the desire to go home and to comfort her mom? Who has this apt feeling of not belonging in this place? Who wishes she'd never been born? You guessed it, right?
Luckily, I have my therapists. I can talk to several nurses and my psychiatrist about this whole situation. My mom, however, is on her own, as I've noticed that my dad didn't really support her nor did he show some understanding towards her. Quite the contrary, in fact. Anyway, that doesn't really matter. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that my mom and sister talked about this situation this afternoon, for it became unbearable for my mom. But he or she who hurts my mom directly, also indirectly hurts me and awakens a rage inside of me that I can barely control. I'll probably have no other choice than accepting this statement: "broken-hearted shall I be, for the rest of my life". And what happens next, only God knows... I only wished I could have my say too, for now I just have to say yes and amen, while my heart is heavy and I feel sad, very sad indeed...
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