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| Grandparents with grandchildren |
So I tell her somehow modestly that I'll explain that to her when she's a little bit older. However, she's stubborn and insists on me telling her that story now. I feel unbelievably uncomfortable and try to change the topic. It doesn't work. I feel hopeless. I want to tell her she has to ask her mom, but I'm afraid my sister will get mad at me if I send her away with this kind of advice. So I don't. And try to change the topic, once again. And I fail, once again.
What do I want to tell her? Do I just want to tell her I did this to myself, because once I felt so bad and sorry for myself that I had to cut myself in order to save myself? In order to feel better? To survive? No, that's not what I want! What I actually want to tell her, is that those are battle scars, scars of a war I've fought, a war that is actually still not over. But what will she ask then, because, honestly, this child is extremely curious, and won't take that for granted!
Somehow, that's what they are: battle scars. And actually I should be proud. What a war has it been! I'd been cutting myself for roughly eight years before, one day in March 2008, I decided it should stop. It had been enough. I'd been tormenting myself for eight long years, without respecting myself for the person I was, without taking into consideration the long ride it had been. It had all started in the year 2000, and things got completely out of hand. At a certain point in time I used to cut myself three times a day. But look where I am right now: almost a year back home after being admitted at the CIB for a year, without meaningful crises, in my own apartment now, doing great, trying to find a job and participating in society. Yes, I should be proud, but it isn't easy... especially because people don't value me for the person I am.
Keep your eyes open for my next post! Then I'll try to give an overview of what I have achieved in the last year since October 5th!
Dear Deb,
ReplyDeleteSome arguments and a conclusion for your text,
ONE: I was really connected with your history, following each line like "trying to arrive fast to the end and know the answer", but anyway I did some effort and put myself in the position "read and consider this slowly”, to really understand how deep is each content you’re exposing, each word you had choose for the text...
TWO: I think most of times, because our education or our cultural way of life, we put ourselves in the position: "we need to respond children with easy things" pointing to "figurative and simple things". The easy-figurative-simple things are not always "a friend of truth", and because of that, adults use some "partially-half truths". Some conservatives minds can say "that should be one adult mind-healthy opinion" but there are a very small limit between this half-metaphoric-truths and an illusion-lie. If you understand this, you can easily connect why we live in a magic world, created with illusions, lies, and partially-truths!
Anyway, we can think only "adult people can understand complex arguments"... and maybe is exactly the opposite argument, maybe it's better to give simple things to adults and complex to children, and that, just for be clear, doesn't mean explain figurative-explicit details, because a truth is not the details, but the concept!
THREE: I think you can really say the truth! That scars, are... a battle scars! In the same order she did get you a surprise by touching this "delicate argument", maybe she can get you another surprise with the next answer or question! She can ask "so what's/was your battle?", and you can answer what you wrote "Isn't ended yet, is a mind-battle", she can ask you again "how do you fight in a mind-battle?" and you can answer "with mind weapons" and she "what's your favourite mind weapon" and you can answer "shot truths by sharing the things that comes to my mind without filters".... ecc.. ecc...
CONCLUSION: Don't think children will become adults when they get 18 years and then you can talk with, or that you're adult because you’re +18. In that position your risk to say her in a “hidden message”: "you can’t understand this, you're not capable of understand it yet, you need to grow up" but I'm sure, she can! Try to talk with an "adult person that just has born a couple of years after you" and you'll see a very big difference!
She can still asking you, or she can turn 180 degrees and go to play. In the first case: you have a person from your family LISTENING YOU! Curious with you and your history, and trying to know you! In the second one, you will see a child happy with an answer and going to play...
Another point is: I think, you are free to explain those children what the scars are. With a “smart position adult-adult", as you can see, the talk is far from the "figurative details", so nothing can make "damage" to them, and for another side, one of the best things: you're talking with a person, not some “person-project”, you're helping her to think and expand her mind by developing complex concepts, and at the same time, she is HELPING YOU to know yourself better, and that is a very good weapon for all battles...
Have the best day of your life, and thank you so much for share your experiences with us!