RIP, multi-talented Max...

Dear Max, yesterday evening, bad news reached me via Facebook. I still can't believe it. Why, Max, why did you decide that it has been enough? Enough fighting against the voices in your head. Enough struggling with your everlasting moodswings. Enough coping with your eating disorder... I do try to understand it, but Max, you're such an incredibly intelligent, multi-talented person. You are able to make people smile and to surprise each and everyone time and time again with your guitar play and you're wonderful, warm voice when you sing.  

I do try to cope with your final decision. The dark times before X-mas often seem to be a reason for the deepest feelings of depression and loneliness to flourish for many people. Last year was no exception:  three of our mutual friends committed suicide during this dark period. It was a tough time, I think you still remember. Still, it hurt like hell. And look now, one year later, you took the same step. You took your one-way ticket to heaven. And you chose the short way. You probably couldn't deal with it anymore. I know you suffered. I know you struggled. But I always hoped that you wouldn't give up like Marie-Claire, Daphne and Jan did. One year later, I can still imagine how they looked like when they smiled, when they were up to no good, whey they were behaving against the rules at the clinic  Those were probably the most beautiful moments, by the way ;) And now, I'll have to add other moments to those, YOUR moments, OUR moments... 

Max, I do hope you find the route to happiness. You've fought so hard, and I won't say that you lost this battle... I don't know if this is about winning or losing. Did you give up? I wouldn't say that either. It's hard to put words in a sentence that would honour you. I can only tell you that I'm extremely sad. Your loss leaves a big gap in the lives of your fellow CIB-buddies, including me. Remember you wrote such beautiful and kind words on the placemat for my goodbye gift? I will cherish that placemat above all the other things you provided me with that day. For one thing is sure: two people who wrote a message on that placemat are no longer among us... I know we've lived in a very fragile group with people who have complicated illnesses, and maybe I shouldn't be that surprised that some of the people of that group choose to die. Still, I'll never get used to it, never. 

Dear Max, sweetheart, find peace. Be happy. Look down on us and be our guardian angel. You are and you will be missed severely. You have no idea of the grief I'm experiencing right now. You'll be in my heart...